Ever wondered how does anyone become manipulative, nefarious, and beguiling? Keep reading to find out.
The Useless Father
The Covert Narcissistic Male usually has an emotionally absent and self-absorbed father who cares more about himself than his own children. His father may have children outside of the home, spend a lot of time competing against his son, or find ways to devalue him. The father does this to assuage his own feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, and powerlessness regarding having been replaced by a male heir. Ignoring his son’s existence, minimizing time spent with him, or arguing with him over very trivial, and yet extremely contrived issues.
Mommy Dearest
The mother of a Covert Narcissistic Male is often single because she has been cheated on and/or left by the narcissistic male’s father. She is frequently angry because of this abandonment and is left to assume both parental roles. She does so angrily and reminds her son and others of this abandonment! She degrades all men and her son’s father repeatedly. Furthermore, she is also heavy handed towards her son at times. This means she often overcompensates in discipline and “toughness” due to the father’s absence. She is frequently short on compassion, empathy, validation, and nurturance. She may also be just as emotionally absent as her son’s father, especially if she spends most of her time chasing and/or marrying other men.
His Childhood
A boy that grows up in this kind of home learns to embrace everything else that is considered “masculine” or male except for whatever his mom hates and criticizes. He learns to build a mask and will often be known to others as a “nice guy.” However, there’s one problem. Sooner than later, he will commit one of “the deadly sins” that his mom considers “male.” To an outsider’s view, it will be no big deal. However, he will not only consider it a “sin” in his eyes, but also something shameful and bad because he will consider himself and the sin as one.
The result of this symbiotic relationship will lead him to build a wall or closure around his “sins.” The purpose of this closure is two-fold. First, it serves to keep others from discovering his “shameful” human flaws. Next, it keeps others from being able to use these flaws against him. Because of the overbearing feelings of shame, inadequacy, powerlessness, and guilt, this sin and so many others like it, will create and perpetuate dysregulation, sensitivity to criticism and scrutiny, intense anxiety over being “found out,” and alienation from others.
Nevertheless, instead of talking about this “sin” to someone, he will try to balance his feelings of being bad with abundant acts of good–until the next time. Then the cycle will repeat itself again. Unfortunately, he, along with others will be caught in a never-ending death spiral that begins with a sense of feeling “bad.” It will end with a permeable mask that he will use to overcompensate to appear “good.”
Click here for Part 2:
Secrets of the Covert Narcissistic Male (Part 2) – Embrace Life Consulting & Wellness
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