Getting a divorce takes most people by surprise. It can feel like being sucker punched. However, for first timers, attempting to figure out what to do or not do can be even more daunting. Here are 20 things to do when you’re getting a divorce.
- PRAY! No Seriously! Pray!
- See a lawyer.
- Know the most important numbers–accounts, (debt you owe, STBX ssn, dob, etc)
- Make copies of all important documents before they mysteriously disappear and/or are destroyed.
- Refuse to sign or agree to anything with your soon-to-be ex-spouse without running it past a lawyer
- Get into counseling or join a support group quickly.
- Set boundaries around who deserves or does not deserve to know about the impending divorce as well as how much you should divulge.
- If your soon to be ex-spouse is a covert narcissist or otherwise nefarious, video record everything.
- Be mindful of whether or not and when you’re being recorded.
- Set ground rules and boundaries around and be clear about when the two of you will communicate as well as where.
- Don’t believe that being in the house while going through a divorce will be easier–sometimes it’s actually harder.
- Build a good support system with people who listen to you and will give you honest feedback.
- Do not attempt to illegally evict your spouse by changing the locks, tricking, or physically intimidating them. It could backfire and you, instead could be the person being removed from your own house.
- Separate your bank accounts.
- Do not take on any new and/or unnecessary debt.
- Give yourself permission to grieve, get angry and feel other strong emotions. You’ve most likely been packing them away for years. Extend a lot of grace, mercy, and compassion to yourself.
- Explain what’s going on to your kids using kid like scenarios. Instead of saying “daddy is being a jerk,” say “daddy is not being a good friend to mommy, and mommy would like to be treated better.”
- If there are investments involved on your spouse’s side, communicate with your spouse’s Plan Manager or Plan Director ASAP to keep your spouse from being able to withdraw and steal money from you.
- Stay in bed when you need to. Refuse to power through this time period in your life.
- Don’t make any irrational or rash decisions until the case has been settled. If you believe that there are quick decisions to be made, talk to a trusted friend, your lawyer, or your therapist before making them.
- Refrain from engaging in substance abuse as it can lower inhibitions which might perpetuate volatile and detrimental behavior.
- Do some honest self-reflection and take responsibility for the mistakes that you made in the relationship. Believe it or not, even being a “no-fuss” spouse has its flaws. Really bad spouses were bad even from the beginning. You just didn’t know it. Forgive yourself when you’re able to.
- Refuse to rush into another relationship. No matter how tempting it might be to get over someone, by getting under someone else, the blind spots that allowed you to choose your first partner will ensure that you choose someone almost exactly like your soon-to-be-ex-spouse again.
Going through a divorce can be heartbreaking, depressing, and devastating. Nevertheless, there are many helpful ways to prepare, navigate, and survive a divorce. Although it might not seem like it, one can even heal and flourish in the midst of court proceedings. The trick is to utilize these three filters when making every decision. Before you make any decisions during the process of a divorce, filter your decisions through these three questions, “am I doing or making this decision to heal, fix, or seek revenge?” While the latter filter is self-explanatory, the first two can be contemplated in a different blog using the link below.
Check out these helpful resources if you’re going through a divorce: