When conflicts arise, couples often have a difficult time identifying the problem, listening openly, and creating workable solutions. With two people passionately opining away, sometimes the issue at hand can get lost among a cycle of diatribes that blame, vilify, and exhaust both parties. In order to minimize the useless cycle of bitter banter, try these techniques instead.
1)Make the Problem, The Problem–Not the Person
Couples often fight because they believe that there is only one party to blame for their issues or dissension. When we make one person the problem, we adopt a “divide and conquer” mindset. Three things happen within this mindset. First, the marriage or couple unit is split. Next, instead of there being an alliance, now each person becomes an adversary. Lastly, adversaries and whatever problems they bring, are meant to be conquered. This means that someone must win and someone must lose. This also reduces the opportunity for both parties to consider, collaborate, compromise, and cooperate. Therefore, focus on the problem and firm up your alliance. Try to remember that you’re on the same team. Finding a solution that fixes the problem means that you both win.
2). Empathize, Validate, Resolve.
This next step encompasses three parts within itself. 1)Empathize with your spouse. 2)Validate their concern(s). 3)Resolve the problem as quickly and efficiently as is possible. Both parties should take responsibility and ownership for finding solutions that work. Check out the following scenario:
Robin and Terry have been married for two years and are presently in an argument about Terry’s parents coming to visit.
Robin: “I don’t have a problem with your parents coming to visit, but I’d really appreciate it if your father didn’t follow me around the house pointing out every dust bunny or the flaws in my parenting skills.”
Terry (empathizing): I know that it’s not easy when my parents come to visit. When my father is here, he can really make you feel like your every move is under a microscope. I know it’s difficult because I remember living with the man. Sometimes he can be quite a pain.
Robin: Yes, he definitely can be! His words really cut me deeply, and they make me feel inadequate, discouraged, and insecure.
Terry (validating): I don’t blame you for feeling upset. You have a right to feel the way you do. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable in your own home.
Robin: Thanks. We just got married, and I don’t feel comfortable approaching him about the ways in which his words affect me.
Terry (resolving): I can see your point. I really appreciate how you always try to make both my parents feel at home. I can see how calm you remain on the surface when dad criticizes you, but I can tell you’re boiling underneath. I can talk to my dad if you’d like. I also wouldn’t mind approaching him with you to make sure you feel heard and understood. How does that sound?
Robin (resolving): I love both of those ideas! I could also write a letter to him or just make a few notes so that I can stay focused and remain on topic when I talk to him. I’d really like it if you sat in on our conversation. We could also role play and practice it since we’ve got a few days before they arrive. You know your father best, so maybe you could throw in a few comments you know he’d make, and I can practice responding to them in an effective way.
Terry: Those are great ideas. If you aren’t busy, we can have dinner and discuss it either after the kids go to bed or while they’re both at school tomorrow. How does that sound?
Robyn: Perfect! I knew I married you for a reason. I might just keep you around after all.
Terry (laughing nervously): Gee, thanks—I guess.
Ready to read part two? Click here and enjoy. Get Heard Now! Resolve Problems in Three Steps Part 2 – Embrace Life Consulting & Wellness (embracelifeconsultingwellnessinc.com)
