(Part 2)
Hey there! Welcome to the second part of this great blog! In part 1, we talked about the first five reasons a man might refuse to rehash an argument from a previous night. If you still haven’t figured out what his silence means from the first installation, these last secrets in part 2 will surely be invaluable to you.
Secret #6: He’s a People Pleaser
Although men can sometimes appear to be stubborn, tyrannical, and inflexible, they’re also people pleasers. In fact, men are such people pleasers, they will sit through boring Rom-Coms and be drug all over a city even when they’re genuinely tired and want to go home. What this means is that even if he knows he’s right or truly does feel strongly about a certain topic; he may refuse to bring it up again because he has decided to yield. In turn, he allows you to believe that you’re right and/or have gained the upper hand. He may be willing to sacrifice his own pride or male ego for the sake of peace (i.e. pleasing you) in the relationship.
Secret #7: He Still Wants to Be Seen As a “Good Little Boy”
Ladies, whether you know it or not, even though your man appears to be an adult on the outside, inside he’s still that little boy who wants to please you–his mommy substitute. Men have mommy issues the way that women have daddy issues. Both sexes still look to the opposite sex for the validation, acceptance, praise, adoration, and love that they never received as children.
Secret #8: He Feels Like He Can’t Win For Losing
It almost goes without saying that most men are competitive. In general, every person likes to win. However, one of the main quips I hear from men is that they often find themselves in a Catch 22. Men hear their wives repeatedly request for them to “step up and lead.” Yet when a man tries to lead, he is labeled a “brute,” “egotistical,” “macho,” inflexible,” and “unfeeling.” His leadership may often face unfair judgment and criticism. In response to the former, he may refuse to lead or begin to fall back. With the aforementioned in tow, he may then be described as “soft,” “lazy.” Furthermore, his masculinity may be called into question. Therefore, sometimes your significant other is silent the next day because he is uncertain of what move to make as no matter what, he will lose either way.
Secret #9: You’re Just So Darn Pretty
Ladies, we all know men are superficial in the beginning. Most men fall “in love” with their eyes first. Trust me! He wouldn’t be with you, if he didn’t find you attractive. You’ve got something that he likes staring at every day. Because of this, when you ask him to do something, he will more than likely acquiesce because you’re just so beautiful. Nevertheless, this can also work against him when you’ve had a disagreement. Sometimes he’s silent the next day because he’s trying to figure out how to put his foot down and maintain a proper boundary in the face of your attractiveness. Remember that it was the beauty of Helen that started the Trojan War.
Secret #10: Boundaries! Sex! Respect! Oh My!
Remember when I said your husband is a people pleaser? That’s secret #6. Nevertheless, sometimes your man is silent because his need for sex, closeness, and intimacy with you are in direct opposition with his need to set proper boundaries, lead the family, and feel respected. Basically, there is a war between two opposing members (ahem) within your husband. He has two strong needs that must be met. Nevertheless, if you’re a woman who withholds sex as punishment or continually pushes and transgresses his boundaries, your husband may be feeling anger, powerlessness, and inadequacy. You can rest assured; he won’t be feeling very respected either. A man needs for his wife to respect him, and he needs sex sometimes as confirmation and/or validation that you will be okay with his decision no matter what he decides.
Secret #11: He Wants You to Trust His Leadership
More often than not and perhaps without even being fully aware, you may be demonstrating a lack of trust for his leadership. Most women were not trained on how to allow a man to lead. Women have been trained on how to cook, clean, and care for a man, but let’s be real. We were never trained on how to make room and space for when his leadership arrives and/or how to engage with it. Although he may not come out and say it the next day, he wants you to let him lead, and learn to do it silently. If he did not have a proper father figure or grew up with no father figure at all, he at least is owed the right to try to figure it out. If he gets it wrong, then give him the same grace, mercy, and compassion you would otherwise give yourself or your child when you make a mistake.
Furthermore, there are a number of things that you can do to help him gain confidence and experience in leading. Encourage him to talk to his friends or a mentorship in which he can have accountability partners to help guide him. Ask him to meet with your preacher, elders and deacons of your church to gain sage knowledge. If there are men’s retreats, breakfasts, etc. encourage him to go. You could possibly suggest that he take a small role in leadership within the church or even at work. You could also buy him books. Nevertheless, trust his leadership and see where it goes.
Silence Be Gone!
No matter what he’s going through, the best thing you can do is give your significant other time to process after an argument. Although it may be very difficult, don’t rush him. If you find it hard to trust the process, journal, talk to a friend, engage with your hobbies, or start counseling to further explore this issue. Never ever take your frustration out on your significant other. It will likely lead to more harm rather than good. Perhaps one of the best things you can do the next day after having a disagreement is simply cuddle with him in bed or make him breakfast. This way, he will know that you’ve forgiven him and are ready to move on.
Did you miss part I of this blog? Access it here: Empower Your Relationship: Understand What His Silence Is Really About – Embrace Life Consulting & Wellness (embracelifeconsultingwellnessinc.com)
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